My lap of luxury.

Last week a group called the LTTE blew up a public bus killing 25 people. Since then I have promised my (heavily pregnant & hormonally charged) sister that I will not travel on these buses any more.

Not a hardship really as it gave me an excuse to upgrade to a luxury bus.

Thus I found myself this afternoon paying a whole 30p extra to board my first deluxe A/C bus, to take me half way across Sri Lanka.

The first thing I notice on entering the bus is that A/C obviously stands for contaminated air, and I don't mean the usual farty, sweaty, urine smell - this was more like a rotting animal corpse. Inspection of my seat did not lead to the discovery of anything dead so I plonked myself down a whole 30 minutes early and got ready for the adventure to begin.

The scene outside could best be described as a cross between Kings Cross in rush hour meets Wembley on match day. There's a man outside the bus screaming the destination, which, lets for argument sake is Leeds, and it goes something like this...............
Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS!!!!
Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS!!!!
Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS!!!!

The bus rapidly fills up as people keep disappearing behind me into the tardis like back of the bus.

Still 15 minutes to go and all seats are taken. Still the man screams
Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS!!!!
Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS!!!!
Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS!!!!

5 minutes to go and it's standing room only.

By the time the conductor-cum-mechanic-cum-racing car driver finally takes up his position in the front seat, I can no longer see the "Maximum 22 people" sign as there are at least 37 heads obscuring my vision.

But at least we're on the move.

We slowly proceed out of the bus garage as the driver screams out of the window...
Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS!!!!
Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS!!!!
...and even more people keep jumping on.

At least I have a seat.

The one thing about Sri Lankan buses that amused me when I first started travelling, is that if there are no seats left and you are forced to stand, then you put your belongings on the lap of a seated passenger without so much as a 'would you mind?'. It's just common practice. It confused me no end the first time a man stood (alarmingly close to my head) and dropped his coat and umbrella in my lap.

Anyhows on my latest little journey I have discovered that this practice does not stop at shopping and bags. Whilst seated in my 'deluxe A/C' seat this morning, I was more than a little shocked when someone handed me a child!!!!!! I swear to you, I am not making this up. Even my imagination isn't THAT vivid.

It (I still have no idea of its gender) then proceeded to eat my hair!!!!! Much to the amusement of its father - who refused the offer of my seat and was obviously glad of the break.

To add to this scene of joy, the old codger sitting next to me used my distracted state to his advantage and spent most of the journey 'accidentally' brushing his elbow across my chest.

There is an old saying that goes .... "you get what you pay for." Well I'm here to tell you it's crap. I payed for a deluxe a/c bus and got molested and eaten.

Sorry Sis, a promise is one thing but nappy rash in your face for five hours is another. I'll take my chances on the public bus any day!!!!