My lap of luxury.

Last week a group called the LTTE blew up a public bus killing 25 people. Since then I have promised my (heavily pregnant & hormonally charged) sister that I will not travel on these buses any more.

Not a hardship really as it gave me an excuse to upgrade to a luxury bus.

Thus I found myself this afternoon paying a whole 30p extra to board my first deluxe A/C bus, to take me half way across Sri Lanka.

The first thing I notice on entering the bus is that A/C obviously stands for contaminated air, and I don't mean the usual farty, sweaty, urine smell - this was more like a rotting animal corpse. Inspection of my seat did not lead to the discovery of anything dead so I plonked myself down a whole 30 minutes early and got ready for the adventure to begin.

The scene outside could best be described as a cross between Kings Cross in rush hour meets Wembley on match day. There's a man outside the bus screaming the destination, which, lets for argument sake is Leeds, and it goes something like this...............
Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS!!!!
Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS!!!!
Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS!!!!

The bus rapidly fills up as people keep disappearing behind me into the tardis like back of the bus.

Still 15 minutes to go and all seats are taken. Still the man screams
Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS!!!!
Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS!!!!
Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS!!!!

5 minutes to go and it's standing room only.

By the time the conductor-cum-mechanic-cum-racing car driver finally takes up his position in the front seat, I can no longer see the "Maximum 22 people" sign as there are at least 37 heads obscuring my vision.

But at least we're on the move.

We slowly proceed out of the bus garage as the driver screams out of the window...
Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS!!!!
Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, Leeds, LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS!!!!
...and even more people keep jumping on.

At least I have a seat.

The one thing about Sri Lankan buses that amused me when I first started travelling, is that if there are no seats left and you are forced to stand, then you put your belongings on the lap of a seated passenger without so much as a 'would you mind?'. It's just common practice. It confused me no end the first time a man stood (alarmingly close to my head) and dropped his coat and umbrella in my lap.

Anyhows on my latest little journey I have discovered that this practice does not stop at shopping and bags. Whilst seated in my 'deluxe A/C' seat this morning, I was more than a little shocked when someone handed me a child!!!!!! I swear to you, I am not making this up. Even my imagination isn't THAT vivid.

It (I still have no idea of its gender) then proceeded to eat my hair!!!!! Much to the amusement of its father - who refused the offer of my seat and was obviously glad of the break.

To add to this scene of joy, the old codger sitting next to me used my distracted state to his advantage and spent most of the journey 'accidentally' brushing his elbow across my chest.

There is an old saying that goes .... "you get what you pay for." Well I'm here to tell you it's crap. I payed for a deluxe a/c bus and got molested and eaten.

Sorry Sis, a promise is one thing but nappy rash in your face for five hours is another. I'll take my chances on the public bus any day!!!!

Early Bird...

Question: Guess where I was at 2am this morning? (Alas the answer doesn't involve the words Brad Pitt, Baby Lotion or the board game Twister.)

Answer: I was walking up a flight of stairs. All 5200 of them to be exact and it took me THREE very long hours.

This is a piccie of me taken at 2243m as the sun is starting to shine through. I've been told more than once that my head is in the clouds - now I can prove it! Alas it is a bit dark but I assure you its me!

I wouldn't mind but when I made it back down (one and a half crippling hours later) I naturally felt like I'd earned a nice big brekkie.

I hobbled into the nearest cafe and the waitress proceeded to stroke my belly and say 'you having baby?'

OUCH!

I nearly choked on my five slices of butter and jam on toast.

I mean whatever made her think I was eating for two??

Giddy-up Geeta

There is a place in Sri Lanka called Nuwara Eliya, also known as Little England and not surprisingly when I arrive - it's raining!

On quick inspection there's a country club, a golf course and my own personal UK favourite - a racetrack. Ascot it ain't as half of it is dug up and the other half is being used as a cricket pitch, but on this particular day I could just about make out some equestrian activity on the outside track. It seems on Sunday morning's the racetrack is let out to the local pony club for a wee bit of training.

With a distinct lack of actual races during the 'off' season, local gamblers have also got wind of this practice and there's a bit of 'under the table' action going down. And so it is I find myself on a wet Sunday morning screaming my head off as Pippy longstockings and her mates canter the beejesus out of some poor donkeys, all because I've bet about 20p on the outcome.

Am I proud of myself? - No.

Was it morally wrong? Probably.

Did I win? Too damn right I did !!!!

It's the end of the world as we know it.....

.......and I have to say what a very pretty sight it is.

Fear not folks, I have not had a near death experience and am not about to bleat on about long corridors with bright lights. There is a much easier way to see the end of the world. Just walk there.

This is me sitting at the end of the world, or WORLDS END as it is correctly called. I can't say I've often thought about the end of the world, but if I did, I don't think I'd envisage German tourists and a tuck shop.
Ho Hum.

Despite going to the end of the world, I live to see another day.... although I was halfway through my (decidedly stale and chewy) cornflakes this morning before I realised about 57 ants were doing breast stroke in the milk.

It's the end of the world as we know it and I don't feel fine, I feel a small stomach upset coming on if you must know!!

Bye Bye the Fab Four

There are two reasons for the title of this entry.

Firstly Sue was dispatched back to Blighty last week and is no doubt back at her desk being all big and important. Whilst Andy & Nuala continued on their round the world tip (without me) and are currently circumnavigating Kuala Lumpur.

The second reason is that at the end of our little elephant safari (see entry below), the guide asked me if I had ever seen the Beatles in concert!!!!!!

Now I know I'm getting on a bit but surely I don't look like Yoko Ono just yet. I'm starting to think the no make-up look just aint working out for me.

So here I am, alone again, sitting in a Sri Lankan internet cafe trying to decide what to do next.

Unfortunately there are stirrings of a civil war brewing here so I may be zig-zagging my way back to the airport Kate Adie stylie. I could be joining me old friend John Lennon, sooner than expected!!! Wish me luck x

A cultural exchange in the jungle

Before dispatching Sue back to the 'real world' we hooked up with Andy & Nuala for a wee safari in search of some nellies. All very amusing zooming around in the back of a jeep and I'm glad to say we spotted a family of five (including a little baby one) thumping around the countryside.

Most fun was had however when our driver and guide served up dinner on the boot of the jeep and lit a camp fire. After a few swigs of local rum and a nice belly full of fish they decided to entertain us with some songs. Joined by a couple of friends they delivered a fair few 'rebel' songs and patriotic anthems. After watching for a while they asked if we could perhaps sing a song from our country.

After much deliberation between the four of us and a fair bit of disagreement, we finally decided on the only song we all knew the words to. So in the middle of nowhere in front of a group of increasingly merry sri-lankan locals, we broke into a somewhat amateur version of Y.M.C.A (with actions!!!). I'm glad to say we went down a storm and they loved it.

We followed this up with a slightly jumbled version of 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight'. Very fitting we thought, given our safari-like surroundings, but alas it all got a bit silly when we hit the ....Ah wee um bum ba ways!!!

Given the spontaneous nature of our performance we didn't have a camera on hand to record our x-factor audition piece. So when I asked later if we could pose for a picture YMCA stylie, to put on my blog, Andy point blank refused to admit it had ever happened and is denying he ever took part.

He is also denying that he has a man-bag, is wearing a boy bangle and recently had his nails painted (all in the name of culture of course!) Me think he doth protest too much!

All together now... "It's fun to stay at the ......."

Where's the lift?

As followers of my blog will know by now, the arrival of Sue always coincides with a spell of cultural inactivity. Yes there are drunken stories and blurred piccies but there's never much in the way of sightseeing. Thus I decided that this time would be different.

Before allowing her to relax on the beach I forced poor Miss Kelly to endure at least one day of sightseeing and decided upon Sigiriya (also known as a huge big rock). As you can see from the piccie, it is very nice to look at,but it is even better to climb.

Despite a huge fear of heights and an allergy towards any form of exercise whatsoever, Skelly donned an attractive MAC IN A SAC and headed on up.


I am therefore very proud of the fact that this piccie is of us both sitting on top of said rock. There may have been some blaspheming along the way but she made it.

As promised we then came to a beach so don't expect any blogging for a while. I can summarise in advance...

Beach, lunch, pool, dinner, drinks, bed, hangover.... Beach, lunch, pool, dinner, drinks, bed, hangover.... Beach, lunch, pool, dinner, drinks, bed, hangover.... Beach, lunch, pool, dinner, drinks, bed, hangover.... Beach, lunch, pool, dinner, drinks, bed, hangover....

A Crappy New Year

Two things arrived on New Years Eve. One of them was great (Sue) and one of them was shit (literally!). Yes it seems that a little bit of a Delhi Belly hangover decided to accompany me on the flight to Sri Lanka. Sue's arrival from the UK was therefore slightly marred by the fact that most of our catch up conversations took place through a toilet door (albeit it a Hilton toilet door!).

Obviously not one to be a party pooper (pardon the pun), I washed down a double dose of immodium with some champers and cocktails and still made it out for a boogie.

Unfortunately I spent most of the night on a porcelain throne and alas that's exactly where I found myself during the opening bars of Auld Lang Syne. I rushed out of the loos at breakneck speed to try and make it to the dance floor for at least a couple of seconds hand holding and jumping around, only to find out that it was only 11.55pm and the band were practising.

Who the hell 'practices' Auld Lang Syne at five to twelve on New Years Eve ?!?!?

Thankfully it gave me enough time to finish my business and much to my own relief I managed to welcome in the new year surrounded by Sue, Andy, Nuala, an array of silly hats and balloons.... and not, as I had feared, on my own in the crapper!

I hope you all had equally 'accident' free celebrations wherever you were and that you're already enjoying 2008!

xx HAPPY NEW YEAR xx

T.F.O

Question: Can you guess the FIRST three words out of my mouth on the LAST day of 2007? I'll give you a clue. The initials are T.F.O.

Terrifying Flying Object perhaps? Random but no!
Tasty Fried Orangutan? Well it was breakfast and I was entering a restaurant, but funnily enough it's a No.


Alas the first words out of my mouth on the last day of 2007 were in fact those of a familiar request .... TABLE FOR ONE!


Yes, I'm afraid it is with heavy heart that I have to report my Indian engagement was a sham. I am no longer destined to live a seedy married life in the underbelly of Delhi and alas I had to fly fiance-free to Sri Lanka.

But before you start to feel sorry for me on my little table for one, I should point out that the table in question was at the Hilton, yes that's right I said the HILTON, where I had booked myself in for new year.

So yes, I may have been signing off yet another year as a sad spinster but at least I was doing it with an all butter almond croissant in my hand!!!

(and did I mention it was in the HILTON !!!!!)